I sat down to write this post a handful of times over the past week and I've been frustrated with every version, which means I've been left with roughly a half-dozen abandoned drafts. I didn't think it would be difficult for me to write about Graduation, but the words are just NOT flowing from my fingers as I thought they would. For a day full of so many conflicting emotions, you'd think I'd be able to throw them down on paper (screen) somewhat easily, but it has been anything but.
Saturday the 9th was a cloudy day, that held the threat of rain, but ended up mostly behaving with a few scattered bouts of drizzles here and there. Shruts and her family had come down earlier in the week to stay with us and do the New York touristy thing and Michelle had flown down the day before, so we had a full house. I don't know why, but for some reason I woke up with a pit of anxiety in my stomach and no appetite. It was ludicrous considering Commencement day is supposed to be the easy part. There's nothing to do except for you to show up and walk across that stage without tripping to get hooded, shake a bevy of hands, and smile for a ton of pictures. Simple right? I guess that it came down to the fact that I didn't quite know how to feel. It was an exciting day for sure but there was always that small, inescapable thorn jabbing me in the side, the quiet voice whispering "what happens after today?" I tried to ignore it as much as possible and fortunately, I had a house full of awesome people to keep me distracted.
That ever faithful to St. George's University, I shall endeavor to promote the art of healing;
We got to Avery Fisher Hall, relatively unscathed (the notion of getting ten people in two cars all the way to the Upper West Side in Saturday afternoon traffic on the same day as the Belmont Stakes might've also caused me a bit of anxiety). We actually ended up arriving 45 minutes early...early enough that there were still a whole bunch of stragglers left over from the AM ceremony. Whoops. I, for one, was secretly thrilled because it gave me enough time for a quick photo-op with Allie, my favorite bookworm and Surgery partner in crime, who happened to still be at lunch with her family across the street from Lincoln Center. Allie's moving 1200 miles away to be a kickass OB-Gyn and so getting to see her one last time, especially when I didn't think I would, was definitely one of the highlights of my day. :)
The pre-ceremony time passed by kind of quickly and in typical fashion. I bumped into a lot of folks I hadn't seen since I had left Grenada. We all exchanged the usual rendition of "OMG, so good to see you!!/how are you??/Congratulations!!!" Shruts and I split from our families to go line up with the rest of the 400 odd grads. We must've waited around for a half hour in those sweltering, oh-so stylish polyester gowns before all of us marched in. Three different national anthems were sung (one of the novelties of going to a Caribbean school), after which followed the Benediction, a lot of speeches, and presentation of honorary degrees. I wish I could tell you that there was something profound in those speeches that stuck with me but they mainly seemed to serve as further opportunities for the speech-makers to reinforce the selling points of our school to us. I heard all about how our Step pass rates that surpass the American average, how much we contribute to the island's economy, how many doctors we've graduated in the last 35 odd years, etc. Frankly, it all seemed kind of unnecessary given that all of us had already forked over the $250,000 to attend and graduate with our MD degrees. Or were they just trying to convince us we had made the right choice?
Because of where we ended up sitting, Shruts and I ended up being the fourth and third to last people to get hooded. The entire ceremony was approximately 2.5 hours long, of which at least an hour and fifteen minutes was spent on hooding. Our poor families! In a way it was good because I got to see virtually all of my other friends go up and get hooded. I was struck by how polished everyone looked. Everyone walking across stage genuinely looked like a newly minted doctor, fresh off the production line. I maintain that it's still hard to picture some of them taking to the floors in long white coats next week, ready to see patients and write orders on their own, but then again, it's hard to picture my ownself doing that either. Funny how people grow up without you even realizing it.
That the regimen I prescribe will be for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment;
The walking across the stage part happened all too quickly.We all get called "Doctor" by our friends and families a lot of the time but there's something about hearing yourself pronounced "Doctor" after you are officially hooded for the first time that is fifty thousand different kinds of incredible. I had had my qualms about going to Graduation for a long time, but in those three milliseconds that I heard myself being pronounced Doctor, it was truly all worth it. For all the bittersweetness inherent in my day, I am ultimately really glad that I ended up going to Graduation. My favorite part was reciting the Hippocratic Oath- our school writes its own version, but something about the ritual and solemnity of it all appealed to my ever-sentimental little heart. You guys, I'm actually a legitimate DOCTOR. I still can't believe it. Someone pinch me.
And after that it was all over. We found our families, took more pictures, and whisked them off for a celebratory dinner at Grimaldi's...which was delicious and perfect for our rambunctious group. Home for dessert- Carvel ice cream cake with fudge, and presents and then a lot of gossiping as Shruts and her family packed to head home the next day.
Nor shall I willfully prescribe to cause any harm nor maliciously to cause the death of anyone;
Four hours of sleep later, I woke up at 3 am to drop my best friend and her family off at LGA and headed off to work. Yes, you read right. I started picking up extra calls earlier this year for the love of the medicine and the extra experience gleaned from working with my favorite Resident. I've been called insane about 500 times over for this so it doesn't phase me anymore. And while I realize that it is completely batshit crazy of me to go to work on four hours of sleep the day AFTER I graduated medical school, I quite honestly couldn't think of a better way to continue my celebration. There's a distinct feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment I get from being in the hospital and since I will be spending much of the next year OUT of a hospital, I wanted to soak it all up. I have all the makings of a budding workaholic but I'm okay with that right now.
In my defense, I did leave work early enough to make it to Sirish's graduation party. I was supposed to make a speech but with all the craziness going on, I didn't have time to actually write a speech. Pretty unheard of for me! So when I was handed the mic, I was actually kind of petrified. Sirish and I have been friends since we were in diapers...growing up, we both knew we wanted to be doctors and we both definitely forced his sister, Pooja, into playing our unwilling patient on more than one occasion. It's pretty amazing to see your childhood friend finally achieve his dream and while I still don't think I fully did him justice- it's hard to sound eloquent when you're talking about an all-around incredible role model and one of the most intelligent, hard-working, driven, and fiercely dedicated people I know...I gave it my best shot! The rest of the night was a blur. I fell into bed around 1 am, after being up for 22 hours.
Finally, that all things seen or heard in the exercise of my profession which ought not be divulged I will keep secret and will never reveal, except for the most weighty reasons.
I spent much of the rest of the week hanging out with Michelle who I don't get to see nearly enough since she seems to be moving further South every year. She maintains that I'm the one who moved the furthest South, and yeah, while I did go 2200 miles away for medical school, I still came back to where I started! We hit up our usual haunts in the East Village, spent too much time playing Draw Something, and also watched the entire first season of Girls over the course of three days. Loved it.
Up until Thursday, I was existing in some kind of graduation bubble that was rather detached from reality. But when Michelle left on Thursday, the bubble definitely started to deflate. At best we see each other twice a year if we can make our schedules work, so I hate parting ways not knowing when I'll see her next. And Thursday was a double whammy because later that evening I headed to work to see my Resident one last time before she finishes her Intern year next week and heads off to her new adventure in Derm. While she pointed out that this was all just the beginning and that there were certainly no goodbyes being said, it still definitely marked the end of our amazing resident/student dynamic that was such a pivotal part of my third and fourth years. I know going forth and moving forward to new experiences are all a part of life, but man alive, do I hate when a good thing (in this case, a great thing) ends.
I think my bubble officially burst on Friday when I finally got the email that my clinical file was closed out. All that's really left is for my Diploma to show up and then it will really and truly be the end. Of course there are still Boards, residency applications, interviews, the Match, and paying loans back to contend with, but for all intents and purposes...it's all really over. I've been in school for 23 of the 26 years of my life and it's completely foreign to think that it all ends here. I guess I'm having a delayed reaction of sorts because I certainly wasn't feeling this way on Graduation day. Given that I don't have a looming July 1st start date to distract me, the finality of this all certainly weighs on me. I don't know what to make of it really, other than to know that the only thing left to do is move forward and try to figure out what comes next.
Good luck to all my classmates and all of my fellow Class of '12ers...fourteen years later, those Semisonic lyrics still hold true- every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
May God help me faithfully to keep this Oath that I may enjoy my life and the practice of my art, respected by all people and in all times.
2 comments:
What an amazing post! Got me all emotional ;)
Congratulations and good luck with whatever comes next!
Well done and well written, Doctor.
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